30 before 30

So this is the list. I'm generally not a do-er in my day to day life. If it isn't directly tied to film then it can take a lot to motivate me. I also tried to stay away from that giant if time, money, etc wasn't a factor type stuff. I have a bucket list for that stuff. I wanted things I could actually do in one year. It is mostly stuff I've put off for some reason or things that I think will pull me out of the work, tv, internet daily schedule I have going on. I will try to post as many pics and videos I can to accompany the blog. Enjoy!

1. Practice the guitar every week (aim for a new song a month)
2. Read 30 new books
3. Lose 30lbs (I know I should aim higher on this one but I want it to be a realistic thing. I don't want the year to be just about one thing)
4. Go to Vidcon
5. Go on a solo mini-trip and stay in a nice hotel by myself
6. For one month become a locavore
7. Run a 5K
8. Avoid and break off unhealthy friendships and relationships (i know this one seems a bit vague but I have some ideas about finally breaking ties with people that are just bad for me)
9. Go camping for a long weekend
10. Take a dance class
11. Dye my hair something other than dark brown.
12. Grow my hair out past my shoulder blades
13. Cook 1 new recipe a month. I always say I'm going to do this but after awhile I just fall back on the staples and take out.
14. Sign myself up to be an Ally (LGBT education program) volunteer again
15. Learn how to ice skate
16. Visit the Fort Worth Water Gardens
17. Go on a tour at the Bureau of Engraving and Printing (something I've wanted to do since I was a little girl)
18. Clean out 2nd closet and donate as much as possible to charity
19. Learn sign language
20. Write and send my mother one letter a month. She always writes me and I think has given up on me ever writing back :(
21. Write in my journal every day even if its just a few lines. I have been writing a lot lately but it hasn't been in my journal.
22. Develop a constant month-to-month budget.
23. Buy fresh flowers for the house at least once a month.
24. Finish watching all of AFI's 100 years, 100 films list. Watched 62 of them so far.
25. Clean out my email inbox. I am for real horrible at it.
26. Buy a bicycle and actually ride it.
27. Learn how to drive a stick shift
28. Make a family tree.
29. Throw a multi course dinner party for a small group of friends.
30. See "Catch Me If You Can" musical on Broadway (opens April 2011)

And the Universe Keeps Giving

I apologize in advance for the numerous grammatical mistakes that are sure to occur in this post as I am currently under the influence of some mild painkillers and tequila, also people are dancing all around me. Really, i'm not seeing imaginary people I just felt the need to blog while I had people over. Yay!

So I am not in my hometown right now. So did I make other grown-up type plans this holiday season? Nope! I just almost died. Really. On Christmas Eve I was on the road for about an hour when some asshole attempts to pass us on the left going well above the speed limit while it was pouring rain. Because the idiot didn't wait to clear my van before charging into my lane we ended up slamming into a concrete barrier. Yay me!

But seriously folk, what the fuck indeed!?! Have a knot on the head and some bruising but aside from that I'm okay. The van wasn't so lucky. Had a few blown out tires. Because I was relatively close to home and because everyone I know I was already gone for the holidays I decided to just eat the cost of being towed all the way back. I got back from getting checked out at the hospital and I was stuck. Let me tell you, this town dies at 3pm on Christmas Eve. So I've been stuck here. This is the first Xmas not spent with the family and let me tell you it was rough. I spent the 24th crying on the phone to my family.

But then rays of sunshine started to make its way through. Si gave up sleep to skype with me for half the night. My mechanic neighbor has been helping me get the van in working order (on Christmas even!) And tonight some other stranded friends have come over and we are watching all sorts of fun movies and trying to keep our spirits up.

So thems the facts. A little insightful information. I really miss my family, even when they are driving me crazy home is home. I want so badly to be able to fall in love with Si, but I don't think I will. My dog will probably never like car rides again. And I have some truly awesome people in my life. Really.

Too much

I believe it's in his eyes, he isn't the mystery he fancies himself to be. He thinks that he can keep everyone guessing. I laugh to myself as he prattles on. I want to keep him but I know too much. I'm familiar with his wandering eye. I've made friends with his insecurities. He will probably cling to this persona for the rest of his life. If he only knew that he is already accepted. He can let his guard down and trust that the things he hates in himself will not turn us away.

But he won't.

Simon

Once again I found myself wrestling with the decision to blog or not. The last few weeks have been particularly brutal. Some health news and the decision to go off the anti-depressants led me down a dark path. But that isn't what this post is about, this post is about Si.

I met Si a few years ago in NYC, I was in the last few days of an internship and he was in the city for a month before his Trek America adventure started. He was on his American leg of a trip around the world. I was staying at a student hostel in one of those 4bed rooms. He came in on my second day in the city. That first week we hung out a lot at the hostel, I was in the last week of my internship and he spent most of his days doing the touristy stuff. After my internship was over I extended my stay in the city for two weeks. On day 10 Si and I kissed for the first time and didn't stop until two weeks later when I had to leave.

It is hard to explain what it is about Si but I will try, forgive the ramblings but this is the first time I have ever really tried to put him into words outside of my private journal. What makes Si magic is the fact that I am completely at ease with him. I have rarely met another person that I felt so at home with. I can count the people that make me feel that way on one hand. I have never had a moment of doubt of his intentions or feelings. He is is funny, witty, rarely sarcastic and never mean. He has found a way to be transparent about his feelings without coming off as needy or whiny. I never have issues of insecurity or paranoia when I am with him. He has no ulterior motives he just likes being with me. Even with people I consider friends I often feel like I am not quite enough. "Am I really as smart as they think I am" "Will he not like me if I am not as talented as he is" "What if I'm not funny enough, will she stop hanging out with me" these things run through my mind constantly, I'm so afraid that I am always lacking. I never feel that way with Si.

I don't know what to call it. I care for him sure, but I don't pine. We hadn't seen each other for almost 2 years and my heart wasn't breaking. We have these epic 2,3,4 hour long conversations every few months but we don't call or text or even IM on a daily basis. But when we are together, I am reminded that I can be happy. I don't need to start a countdown everytime I start a new relationship anticipating when green pastures are sought by my significant other. I don't need to feel unworthy of someone because of my size, race, or the fact that I have spent the last decade getting degrees and not seeking a fortune. I know to Si I am just Crystal. I trust him. And he trusts me.

And when we are together I feel completely present. I don't worry about what he will think when he sees me naked or my skills as a lover. I don't hesitate to share with him my desires. When he holds me his eyes never leave mine. He calls me "my sweet Crystal" and my knees weaken, pulse quickens and in those moments I want him more than I have ever wanted anyone else.

But he is in Kent and I am here and truthfully we don't know much about each other in the "real world" the days with him blur together and I lose myself. Then he leaves or I leave but what I am left with is a reminder that I can be happy, I can find joy in life. Sure I often revel in my cynicism and sometimes I let the dark take over. But I have also seen the light. Its the same way I feel after seeing my Wela. There are people in this world that love me and I need to trust that they are not the only ones.

Because of Si I know what love is.

Don't need you

I've held back from posting because I didn't want the blog to turn into "the first signs Crystal was going to jump off that building." Yes things are still rough but I figured bullet points and a few daily anecdotes wouldn't hurt.

I am pretty excited about going home for Thanksgiving. I'm finally feeling like I have something to look forward to. Work is its normal ass ache but I have (don't laugh) started to meditate after work. When I get home I let my puppy out and take 20 minutes to sit and just unwind. It really does help.

On the puppy front, I think I may have gone overboard. To date I have bought Xan 6 outfits. He now has 2 jackets, 2 sweaters, 1 vest and 1 tshirt. I have to be stopped.

I have neglected this blog the last month but I haven't neglected writing all together. I am currently 64pages into a feature length sript that I have been toying around with for the last year. I'm pretty jazzed about it so far and hope to have it done by the end of the year.

I'm adding blogging to my weekly must to-do list. So if the blogs turn into boring accounts of the latest emotional crisis don't get mad, at least I'm sharing.

Depression Sucks

I know I haven't posted in a long time. I have 3 entries saved that I have started and will try to get up soon. I have unfortunetly come to the realization that I would need to get back on anti-depressants. It took a few horrible weeks to finally admit that I was unhappy but I think/hope I am turning a corner. I will try to get some of those blogs up in the next few day. In the meantime here is a picture of my adorable dog rocking his new coat. Adorable!

Keeping Me Honest

Seriously the working out has been going great. Thankfully I took everyone's advice and broke up the schedule a bit and gave myself an off day. I would probably be feeling the burn out right about now if I hadn't. I've also branched out from just the walking/jogging thing. Yoga is now happening at least 3 times a week, upper body weight training is happening at least twice and I have set up a sort of gym class style work out that includes lunges, sideway running, etc. Basically my body has had a constant dull (sometimes not so dull) ache, I've only lost 11lbs but my stamina is way up and I just feel all around better. Yay!

The diet on the other hand...well really what diet. I gave up fast food but I was brought down by the allure of a Blizzard. By the way the desserts at fast food places are totally the gateway drug. Went to Sonic for a shake and left with Jalapeno Poppers. Eff! To be fair I never really set out to start a diet. What I am doing is eating out less. Limiting myself to just once a week has been hard but the financial perk has helped me stick to it. I'm also working on a weekly menu. One thing that works for me is to create 1 or 2 large meals a week and make them the center piece for meals for the whole week. For example I will roast a chicken and throughout the week make sandwiches, salads, etc. I have cut WAY back on the drinking. There are other things too but for now I think that this works for me. Unfortunately though life happens and I get an upsetting call from my mother or I am reminded about what an idiot I have been this last year (more on that later) and I reach for a second ice cream sandwich. I'm working on it.