so the truth is I wanted it. I wanted it bad. I was at the point that I didn't care about what the outcome would be as long as I had it. But I won't so....it is helping being away. I am enjoying the work I am doing however I would be lying if I didn't say that part of the draw is being away and having the freedom to mourn my loss. It would be ridiculous to say anything now of course so instead I need to find a way to deal on my own without feeling as though I have to pretend. the problem is of course at home no one really knows so I felt as though I was lying to everyone. At least now I can feel it, cry about and hopefully begin to deal with it.
On a positive note, I kinda love New York City. yup its true. I'm in love with the Institute and the amazing people I have meet. Even with all of this I have to admit I miss some of my Texas people, I wish I could tell them that.
Thursday, June 26, 2008
Monday, June 9, 2008
back to me
get ready for a heavy one.
I've come to realize that I had begun to regress. I'm realizing this post will require some backstory so here it goes. A few years ago I left school to take care of my mother after she had major surgery, before the surgery I worked but after the surgery there was no way for me to work and take care of my mother so that became my life, aside from a small gig I had writing for a certain snarky tv review/recap site. I realized one day that I had not left the house for over 7 months except to go to dr. appointments and physical therapy with my mom. A few months later it dawned on me that it wasn't because I was too wrapped up in the home life stuff, it was because I was afraid. I began talking to a counselor about my burgeoning agoraphobia. I went back to finish the undergrad and get started on my M.A. The first year was great I was getting back to being me, I was venturing out. You have to understand my first few years of college were full of outings all over the DFW, I was a member of a dozen school groups, I was happy and comfortable. This change I had gone through wasn't 'growth' or maturing' it was fear, i withdrew because I didn't trust myself, and I suppose it is obvious that I had lost all of my confidence.
Again my first year back was pretty good, I was sharing a house with three lovely ladies who were exactly what I needed, they healed me, i healed myself. I was on the right track and then the house disbanded and we all went our separate ways. I thought I really needed to be alone...i was wrong...i wasn't ready and was a hermit for the first three months living all on my lonesome. Back to the doctor i went and equipped with some tiny wonderful pills i began to convince myself that i was doing better. I had work and a decent sized circle of acquiantences that I would have lunch or coffee with ever couple of weeks and reassure that I was fine and just "had a lot on my plate." There were moments when I felt comfortable but they were few and far between.
Then one day I found myself with this odd assortment of friends that each knew a certain part of me but none really knew me and it really shook me. Couple that with some shake-ups in the the friends line-up and poof I found myself craving me. I don't understand how I let myself withdraw so much but now I find myself living life, I'm enjoying it, I'm enjoying myself and it feel pretty damn good. So I know it may take a bit but I am definitely getting back to me. I'll keep you updated.
I've come to realize that I had begun to regress. I'm realizing this post will require some backstory so here it goes. A few years ago I left school to take care of my mother after she had major surgery, before the surgery I worked but after the surgery there was no way for me to work and take care of my mother so that became my life, aside from a small gig I had writing for a certain snarky tv review/recap site. I realized one day that I had not left the house for over 7 months except to go to dr. appointments and physical therapy with my mom. A few months later it dawned on me that it wasn't because I was too wrapped up in the home life stuff, it was because I was afraid. I began talking to a counselor about my burgeoning agoraphobia. I went back to finish the undergrad and get started on my M.A. The first year was great I was getting back to being me, I was venturing out. You have to understand my first few years of college were full of outings all over the DFW, I was a member of a dozen school groups, I was happy and comfortable. This change I had gone through wasn't 'growth' or maturing' it was fear, i withdrew because I didn't trust myself, and I suppose it is obvious that I had lost all of my confidence.
Again my first year back was pretty good, I was sharing a house with three lovely ladies who were exactly what I needed, they healed me, i healed myself. I was on the right track and then the house disbanded and we all went our separate ways. I thought I really needed to be alone...i was wrong...i wasn't ready and was a hermit for the first three months living all on my lonesome. Back to the doctor i went and equipped with some tiny wonderful pills i began to convince myself that i was doing better. I had work and a decent sized circle of acquiantences that I would have lunch or coffee with ever couple of weeks and reassure that I was fine and just "had a lot on my plate." There were moments when I felt comfortable but they were few and far between.
Then one day I found myself with this odd assortment of friends that each knew a certain part of me but none really knew me and it really shook me. Couple that with some shake-ups in the the friends line-up and poof I found myself craving me. I don't understand how I let myself withdraw so much but now I find myself living life, I'm enjoying it, I'm enjoying myself and it feel pretty damn good. So I know it may take a bit but I am definitely getting back to me. I'll keep you updated.
Saturday, May 31, 2008
the great beyond
so now aside from the one big decision (which has basically been made btw) there is a very real possibility that this summer will help cement exactly what I will be doing for the next 5-10yrs. Just so you know I am afraid of commitment and the thought of settling into one place scares the crap out of me.
Thursday, May 29, 2008
and i called him stuckey
yesterday as i was driving through TWU and i saw a turtle stuck in the street. I pulled to the side so I wouldn't hit it and pulled into the parking lot to go and rescue the little sucker. I was able to pick him up and walk him back to the pond (not without the little jerk peeing on my shoe a little). I named him Stuckey because...you know, he was stuck.
Wednesday, May 28, 2008
also (movies)
saw the red band trailer for Stepbrothers and it was just okay. Aside from some f bombs it basically looks like the same trailer. I'm less excited about this one.
latest
so you know how i had that horrible habit of falling for the wrong people? Well i did it again and it is proving harder to get over than i thought it would be. I'm straddling the line between completely ignoring him and trying to keep up the pretense of a friendship. Neither are working for me. This is of course complicated by the big decision not yet made. There are the random moments though when I'm not forcing myself to sound light and breezy and I'm just talking to my friends however that is usually followed by the, he is so adorable crap and I'm back where i started. fuckity, the old me would have danced him out of her head and spent a few weekends being a make-out slut however that is not me anymore, I've matured I'm older and wiser so.....i'm guessing there will be a few listening to sad song nights in my future. again, fuckity.
Tuesday, May 27, 2008
a whole bunch of nonsense
So not only do I have this huge decision to make, but I kinda have to make it soon. While it is true that I have received some great advice for the very few friends I have confided in, I still can't bring myself to actually sit down and think about what I am going to do. I fill my head with thoughts of work and my trip to NYC this summer, heck I even think about cute boys that work in my building, all to avoid sitting down and really deciding what I am going to do. I spoke to my therapists and I am getting the feeling that she thinks I am avoiding thinking about it because I already made a decision. She thinks that the moment I realized a decision had to be made, i made it. I think she is right.
I must also say here and out loud that the era of Crys and Vin is over. It is weird to even think that let alone type it out. While even I allow myself, on occasion, to get swept up into our story it is time to move on. Geez there are countless films that tell us the story of the girl and boy who knew each other inside and out, where friends forever, that despite all of the ups and downs found their way back to each other. Well this is a little true, I imagine that Vin and I will always find our way back to each other however I also know that we will always allow ourselves to be torn apart again. The truth is I don't know if this is the 'master plan' I do know that it would have all been different if we had made different choices early on. It seems that at the most we are willing to really fight for us when there is the possibility that we will be out of each others lives completely. The big problem in us learning to live with just being friends is that it is going to take a lot of getting over time. And by getting over I mean a break, we need distance and to be out of each others lives for a bit. That is the hard part. I just want us to be able to skip the the getting over part and just be friends, that is ridiculous I know. So instead I will work this summer, work at getting over him. Thankfully I have big things on the horizons to keep me from dwelling on him for too long.
Now the topic I really must talk about, a little over a month ago my neighbor not so subtly informed me that she was able to hear my overnight buddy and I. Know what i'm saying? We were loud. Anyway since then I swear she has tried to be just as loud as I was that night. In the past three weeks I have heard horrible 90's 'do me music' and muffled moans coming from her place. The thing is I've lived next to this girl for two years, and those entire two years she has had the same boyfriend, this never happened before. I will admit I have on occasion heard a boys II men songs coming from her place in the middle of the night but now all of a sudden its like hey look at me I'm doing it and its hotter than when you do it. Anyway it would be extremely funny if it wasn't cutting into my sleep time and now the bitch must die. Or I guess i'll just live with it for the next month or so, seeing as how I am pretty sure I will be moving to a different apartment this summer.
Forgive how all over the place this post is. I'm a little all over the place right now.
I must also say here and out loud that the era of Crys and Vin is over. It is weird to even think that let alone type it out. While even I allow myself, on occasion, to get swept up into our story it is time to move on. Geez there are countless films that tell us the story of the girl and boy who knew each other inside and out, where friends forever, that despite all of the ups and downs found their way back to each other. Well this is a little true, I imagine that Vin and I will always find our way back to each other however I also know that we will always allow ourselves to be torn apart again. The truth is I don't know if this is the 'master plan' I do know that it would have all been different if we had made different choices early on. It seems that at the most we are willing to really fight for us when there is the possibility that we will be out of each others lives completely. The big problem in us learning to live with just being friends is that it is going to take a lot of getting over time. And by getting over I mean a break, we need distance and to be out of each others lives for a bit. That is the hard part. I just want us to be able to skip the the getting over part and just be friends, that is ridiculous I know. So instead I will work this summer, work at getting over him. Thankfully I have big things on the horizons to keep me from dwelling on him for too long.
Now the topic I really must talk about, a little over a month ago my neighbor not so subtly informed me that she was able to hear my overnight buddy and I. Know what i'm saying? We were loud. Anyway since then I swear she has tried to be just as loud as I was that night. In the past three weeks I have heard horrible 90's 'do me music' and muffled moans coming from her place. The thing is I've lived next to this girl for two years, and those entire two years she has had the same boyfriend, this never happened before. I will admit I have on occasion heard a boys II men songs coming from her place in the middle of the night but now all of a sudden its like hey look at me I'm doing it and its hotter than when you do it. Anyway it would be extremely funny if it wasn't cutting into my sleep time and now the bitch must die. Or I guess i'll just live with it for the next month or so, seeing as how I am pretty sure I will be moving to a different apartment this summer.
Forgive how all over the place this post is. I'm a little all over the place right now.
Monday, May 26, 2008
Take 2
There was a time when I actually blogged on a fairly regular basis, not only that but I pretty much let it all hang out. I had sex, you knew about it. It was a revolving door of boys, classes, jobs, family crap, and just general musings. I made friends all around the world and really felt as though I was a "community blogger." When Ross died they were there for me in this incredible way. There were also the days when I just posted little quip or funny link, the point was that it was regular.
Then I left, I got this amazing internship after which I planned to take a semester off to help take care of a family member who was having major surgery. My one semester off turned into two years and my entire life changed. Having a sister who works in a nursing home I had thought of what it would be like when the tables are turned and I would be in the position where I had to take care of my parent. I never thought that would happen when I was in my early twenties. Let me make a long story short, it changed everything.
Since then I've come back to school got the BA and am now working on the MFA. I have kept up with my Journal writing the last two years but aside from the very rare myspace blog post I have not actually had a full blog in a long time. So why have I come back? Because I need too. While journals have always been a constant in my life I realized with the earlier blog that i really felt as though I was getting things off my chest. Well I have a lot of things going on right now and I hope blogging can be on outlet. So........take 2!
Then I left, I got this amazing internship after which I planned to take a semester off to help take care of a family member who was having major surgery. My one semester off turned into two years and my entire life changed. Having a sister who works in a nursing home I had thought of what it would be like when the tables are turned and I would be in the position where I had to take care of my parent. I never thought that would happen when I was in my early twenties. Let me make a long story short, it changed everything.
Since then I've come back to school got the BA and am now working on the MFA. I have kept up with my Journal writing the last two years but aside from the very rare myspace blog post I have not actually had a full blog in a long time. So why have I come back? Because I need too. While journals have always been a constant in my life I realized with the earlier blog that i really felt as though I was getting things off my chest. Well I have a lot of things going on right now and I hope blogging can be on outlet. So........take 2!
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