so the truth is I wanted it. I wanted it bad. I was at the point that I didn't care about what the outcome would be as long as I had it. But I won't so....it is helping being away. I am enjoying the work I am doing however I would be lying if I didn't say that part of the draw is being away and having the freedom to mourn my loss. It would be ridiculous to say anything now of course so instead I need to find a way to deal on my own without feeling as though I have to pretend. the problem is of course at home no one really knows so I felt as though I was lying to everyone. At least now I can feel it, cry about and hopefully begin to deal with it.
On a positive note, I kinda love New York City. yup its true. I'm in love with the Institute and the amazing people I have meet. Even with all of this I have to admit I miss some of my Texas people, I wish I could tell them that.
Thursday, June 26, 2008
Monday, June 9, 2008
back to me
get ready for a heavy one.
I've come to realize that I had begun to regress. I'm realizing this post will require some backstory so here it goes. A few years ago I left school to take care of my mother after she had major surgery, before the surgery I worked but after the surgery there was no way for me to work and take care of my mother so that became my life, aside from a small gig I had writing for a certain snarky tv review/recap site. I realized one day that I had not left the house for over 7 months except to go to dr. appointments and physical therapy with my mom. A few months later it dawned on me that it wasn't because I was too wrapped up in the home life stuff, it was because I was afraid. I began talking to a counselor about my burgeoning agoraphobia. I went back to finish the undergrad and get started on my M.A. The first year was great I was getting back to being me, I was venturing out. You have to understand my first few years of college were full of outings all over the DFW, I was a member of a dozen school groups, I was happy and comfortable. This change I had gone through wasn't 'growth' or maturing' it was fear, i withdrew because I didn't trust myself, and I suppose it is obvious that I had lost all of my confidence.
Again my first year back was pretty good, I was sharing a house with three lovely ladies who were exactly what I needed, they healed me, i healed myself. I was on the right track and then the house disbanded and we all went our separate ways. I thought I really needed to be alone...i was wrong...i wasn't ready and was a hermit for the first three months living all on my lonesome. Back to the doctor i went and equipped with some tiny wonderful pills i began to convince myself that i was doing better. I had work and a decent sized circle of acquiantences that I would have lunch or coffee with ever couple of weeks and reassure that I was fine and just "had a lot on my plate." There were moments when I felt comfortable but they were few and far between.
Then one day I found myself with this odd assortment of friends that each knew a certain part of me but none really knew me and it really shook me. Couple that with some shake-ups in the the friends line-up and poof I found myself craving me. I don't understand how I let myself withdraw so much but now I find myself living life, I'm enjoying it, I'm enjoying myself and it feel pretty damn good. So I know it may take a bit but I am definitely getting back to me. I'll keep you updated.
I've come to realize that I had begun to regress. I'm realizing this post will require some backstory so here it goes. A few years ago I left school to take care of my mother after she had major surgery, before the surgery I worked but after the surgery there was no way for me to work and take care of my mother so that became my life, aside from a small gig I had writing for a certain snarky tv review/recap site. I realized one day that I had not left the house for over 7 months except to go to dr. appointments and physical therapy with my mom. A few months later it dawned on me that it wasn't because I was too wrapped up in the home life stuff, it was because I was afraid. I began talking to a counselor about my burgeoning agoraphobia. I went back to finish the undergrad and get started on my M.A. The first year was great I was getting back to being me, I was venturing out. You have to understand my first few years of college were full of outings all over the DFW, I was a member of a dozen school groups, I was happy and comfortable. This change I had gone through wasn't 'growth' or maturing' it was fear, i withdrew because I didn't trust myself, and I suppose it is obvious that I had lost all of my confidence.
Again my first year back was pretty good, I was sharing a house with three lovely ladies who were exactly what I needed, they healed me, i healed myself. I was on the right track and then the house disbanded and we all went our separate ways. I thought I really needed to be alone...i was wrong...i wasn't ready and was a hermit for the first three months living all on my lonesome. Back to the doctor i went and equipped with some tiny wonderful pills i began to convince myself that i was doing better. I had work and a decent sized circle of acquiantences that I would have lunch or coffee with ever couple of weeks and reassure that I was fine and just "had a lot on my plate." There were moments when I felt comfortable but they were few and far between.
Then one day I found myself with this odd assortment of friends that each knew a certain part of me but none really knew me and it really shook me. Couple that with some shake-ups in the the friends line-up and poof I found myself craving me. I don't understand how I let myself withdraw so much but now I find myself living life, I'm enjoying it, I'm enjoying myself and it feel pretty damn good. So I know it may take a bit but I am definitely getting back to me. I'll keep you updated.
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