And the Universe Keeps Giving

I apologize in advance for the numerous grammatical mistakes that are sure to occur in this post as I am currently under the influence of some mild painkillers and tequila, also people are dancing all around me. Really, i'm not seeing imaginary people I just felt the need to blog while I had people over. Yay!

So I am not in my hometown right now. So did I make other grown-up type plans this holiday season? Nope! I just almost died. Really. On Christmas Eve I was on the road for about an hour when some asshole attempts to pass us on the left going well above the speed limit while it was pouring rain. Because the idiot didn't wait to clear my van before charging into my lane we ended up slamming into a concrete barrier. Yay me!

But seriously folk, what the fuck indeed!?! Have a knot on the head and some bruising but aside from that I'm okay. The van wasn't so lucky. Had a few blown out tires. Because I was relatively close to home and because everyone I know I was already gone for the holidays I decided to just eat the cost of being towed all the way back. I got back from getting checked out at the hospital and I was stuck. Let me tell you, this town dies at 3pm on Christmas Eve. So I've been stuck here. This is the first Xmas not spent with the family and let me tell you it was rough. I spent the 24th crying on the phone to my family.

But then rays of sunshine started to make its way through. Si gave up sleep to skype with me for half the night. My mechanic neighbor has been helping me get the van in working order (on Christmas even!) And tonight some other stranded friends have come over and we are watching all sorts of fun movies and trying to keep our spirits up.

So thems the facts. A little insightful information. I really miss my family, even when they are driving me crazy home is home. I want so badly to be able to fall in love with Si, but I don't think I will. My dog will probably never like car rides again. And I have some truly awesome people in my life. Really.

Too much

I believe it's in his eyes, he isn't the mystery he fancies himself to be. He thinks that he can keep everyone guessing. I laugh to myself as he prattles on. I want to keep him but I know too much. I'm familiar with his wandering eye. I've made friends with his insecurities. He will probably cling to this persona for the rest of his life. If he only knew that he is already accepted. He can let his guard down and trust that the things he hates in himself will not turn us away.

But he won't.

Simon

Once again I found myself wrestling with the decision to blog or not. The last few weeks have been particularly brutal. Some health news and the decision to go off the anti-depressants led me down a dark path. But that isn't what this post is about, this post is about Si.

I met Si a few years ago in NYC, I was in the last few days of an internship and he was in the city for a month before his Trek America adventure started. He was on his American leg of a trip around the world. I was staying at a student hostel in one of those 4bed rooms. He came in on my second day in the city. That first week we hung out a lot at the hostel, I was in the last week of my internship and he spent most of his days doing the touristy stuff. After my internship was over I extended my stay in the city for two weeks. On day 10 Si and I kissed for the first time and didn't stop until two weeks later when I had to leave.

It is hard to explain what it is about Si but I will try, forgive the ramblings but this is the first time I have ever really tried to put him into words outside of my private journal. What makes Si magic is the fact that I am completely at ease with him. I have rarely met another person that I felt so at home with. I can count the people that make me feel that way on one hand. I have never had a moment of doubt of his intentions or feelings. He is is funny, witty, rarely sarcastic and never mean. He has found a way to be transparent about his feelings without coming off as needy or whiny. I never have issues of insecurity or paranoia when I am with him. He has no ulterior motives he just likes being with me. Even with people I consider friends I often feel like I am not quite enough. "Am I really as smart as they think I am" "Will he not like me if I am not as talented as he is" "What if I'm not funny enough, will she stop hanging out with me" these things run through my mind constantly, I'm so afraid that I am always lacking. I never feel that way with Si.

I don't know what to call it. I care for him sure, but I don't pine. We hadn't seen each other for almost 2 years and my heart wasn't breaking. We have these epic 2,3,4 hour long conversations every few months but we don't call or text or even IM on a daily basis. But when we are together, I am reminded that I can be happy. I don't need to start a countdown everytime I start a new relationship anticipating when green pastures are sought by my significant other. I don't need to feel unworthy of someone because of my size, race, or the fact that I have spent the last decade getting degrees and not seeking a fortune. I know to Si I am just Crystal. I trust him. And he trusts me.

And when we are together I feel completely present. I don't worry about what he will think when he sees me naked or my skills as a lover. I don't hesitate to share with him my desires. When he holds me his eyes never leave mine. He calls me "my sweet Crystal" and my knees weaken, pulse quickens and in those moments I want him more than I have ever wanted anyone else.

But he is in Kent and I am here and truthfully we don't know much about each other in the "real world" the days with him blur together and I lose myself. Then he leaves or I leave but what I am left with is a reminder that I can be happy, I can find joy in life. Sure I often revel in my cynicism and sometimes I let the dark take over. But I have also seen the light. Its the same way I feel after seeing my Wela. There are people in this world that love me and I need to trust that they are not the only ones.

Because of Si I know what love is.

Don't need you

I've held back from posting because I didn't want the blog to turn into "the first signs Crystal was going to jump off that building." Yes things are still rough but I figured bullet points and a few daily anecdotes wouldn't hurt.

I am pretty excited about going home for Thanksgiving. I'm finally feeling like I have something to look forward to. Work is its normal ass ache but I have (don't laugh) started to meditate after work. When I get home I let my puppy out and take 20 minutes to sit and just unwind. It really does help.

On the puppy front, I think I may have gone overboard. To date I have bought Xan 6 outfits. He now has 2 jackets, 2 sweaters, 1 vest and 1 tshirt. I have to be stopped.

I have neglected this blog the last month but I haven't neglected writing all together. I am currently 64pages into a feature length sript that I have been toying around with for the last year. I'm pretty jazzed about it so far and hope to have it done by the end of the year.

I'm adding blogging to my weekly must to-do list. So if the blogs turn into boring accounts of the latest emotional crisis don't get mad, at least I'm sharing.

Depression Sucks

I know I haven't posted in a long time. I have 3 entries saved that I have started and will try to get up soon. I have unfortunetly come to the realization that I would need to get back on anti-depressants. It took a few horrible weeks to finally admit that I was unhappy but I think/hope I am turning a corner. I will try to get some of those blogs up in the next few day. In the meantime here is a picture of my adorable dog rocking his new coat. Adorable!

Keeping Me Honest

Seriously the working out has been going great. Thankfully I took everyone's advice and broke up the schedule a bit and gave myself an off day. I would probably be feeling the burn out right about now if I hadn't. I've also branched out from just the walking/jogging thing. Yoga is now happening at least 3 times a week, upper body weight training is happening at least twice and I have set up a sort of gym class style work out that includes lunges, sideway running, etc. Basically my body has had a constant dull (sometimes not so dull) ache, I've only lost 11lbs but my stamina is way up and I just feel all around better. Yay!

The diet on the other hand...well really what diet. I gave up fast food but I was brought down by the allure of a Blizzard. By the way the desserts at fast food places are totally the gateway drug. Went to Sonic for a shake and left with Jalapeno Poppers. Eff! To be fair I never really set out to start a diet. What I am doing is eating out less. Limiting myself to just once a week has been hard but the financial perk has helped me stick to it. I'm also working on a weekly menu. One thing that works for me is to create 1 or 2 large meals a week and make them the center piece for meals for the whole week. For example I will roast a chicken and throughout the week make sandwiches, salads, etc. I have cut WAY back on the drinking. There are other things too but for now I think that this works for me. Unfortunately though life happens and I get an upsetting call from my mother or I am reminded about what an idiot I have been this last year (more on that later) and I reach for a second ice cream sandwich. I'm working on it.

Yoga In The Friend Zone

Had another great 2 days. Tuesday night was another looong walk (doctor still not down with me running again) and Wednesday was yoga night. Jake did get a little bored after awhile so we instituted a 2 minute dance break every 10min or so of yoga. Silly, yes, but also incredibly adorable. Side note about the Running Guy (Jake) situation: I had to admit that I was intentionally pushing us into the friend zone. Anyone who knows me even a little should know that there is no way I should be pursuing anything romantic with anyone for awhile. Despite some initial weirdness I think he understands where I am coming from. I have to admit though if anyone would be worth climbing out of this funk for it would be him.

Progress

Worked out with Jake last night and totally rocked it. After our working out walk/jog we picked up our dogs for a late night stroll around campus so I got to burn a few more calories. The food end is still a struggle but I have stuck with the only eating in rule. Picking a weekly menu has really worked out for me. Not only is only eating at home less boring than I thought it would be but I find that I am actually saving quite a bit of money. I have cut down on my meat eating quite a bit and the meat I am eating we are buying from a grass-fed local farm. I like this happy feeling.

Running

I always loved running. You wouldn't know it by looking at me now but as a young girl I was a cross country runner. I loved it. In fact I wasn't just part of the school team I was part of a CC after-school team and qualified for the national IAAF race (which determines the team that will represent the country at the international) and at that race I placed 26th. Which meant I was a long way off from making the team but I was at one point the 26th fastest CC runner in my age group. I stuck with CC until High School when I broke my arm. It wasn't a simple break. The arm was broken in 3 places and the breaks were far from clean. So while some people spend a few weeks in a cast I had to go through 4 different types of casts for 6 months. I had pins and screws in my arm and was told that it was "the best they could do." It sucked so hard. It happened at the beginning of the school year so I missed out on playing Volleyball and I was unable to train for the upcoming season. So by the time my cast finally came off it was February, and I was no where near being in shape. Yes compared to most kids I was just fine but I took my training very seriously and not running my usual 5-6 miles a day was torture. So I made the decision to not run at all that year, not even in track and field. I had a fantasy of me training through the spring and summer and wowing everyone the following year. Seriously I heard "Eye of the Tiger" in my head. But then I didn't. I'm not sure what actually did it but running wasn't fun anymore. I had a boyfriend and I realized I could not run 6miles a day and I wouldn't turn into a giant blob so that summer I put off running. I would find something else to do. I was already out of shape so the prospect of working through the pain was pretty unappealing. So instead of running 6 days a week I told myself that 3 times would be fine to start and I would work up to more. I also turned an hour long session into 1/2 an hour. Pretty soon I was putting it off for an entire week at a time. I formally quit the team that fall.

I didn't think to much of it when I left for college. Sure I had graduated H.S wearing pants 3 sizes bigger than when I started. But still I was a size 7 and didn't sweat it too much. Cut to 10 years later and I can barely recognize myself in pictures. And of course every few months I get an exercise itch but it usually fizzles out and I never feel that excitement. I didn't feel happy running anymore. I'm happy to say that has changed.

A few weeks ago I started walking/jogging and something was different. Maybe it is because of the boy stuff, the family issues or job stress. Whatever it was I felt better about things after I worked out. Now I am still pretty out of shape so I have resisted over doing it but I am committed to walking/jogging at least 5 times a week for an hour. On the weekend I am lifting weights and doing lunges in the backyard. Of course the events of the last couple of weeks but things on hold. I did attempt a mildly rigorous routine after my hospital stay and I paid for it dearly. But I am still walking and I have added 30min to my time until I can start jogging again. The good news is I have a running buddy. My first night out a few weeks ago I literally ran into a guy as I ran around a corner. We have become friends and even though he is in amazing shape he has started working out with me. We don't talk about it but I suspect that he is getting in his real run in the mornings now. I didn't tell him about the pregnancy, I mean how do you bring that up with a new sort of friend. "Oh hey I won't be running this week, I found out I had an ectopic pregnancy and my life is spiraling out of control." I did tell him this weekend though and it felt good. So we started back up again and I am walking everyday and hopefully will get back into running soon.

I can feel it again, the happiness.

Signs Your Dog Is A Hoarder

I love my dog. I really really do but lately I have noticed something disturbing. I think Xander may be a hoarder. I knew taking in Xander would be a trial. Jen and I are very busy people. We love Xander a lot and spoil him rotten when we are home but he does spend a chunk of the day at home alone. I assumed that the consequences of that might be some difficulty training, separation anxiety maybe some chewed up window sills but I have to say the hoarder has me stumped.

I first noticed it with his small squeak toys. He would play with them a bit and then they would go missing. I assumed that he tore them up and Jen got rid of them or maybe they were lost behind a bookshelf and lets face it i'm not going back there again until I move out. So I got him few more. One day when I was cleaning out his crate I picked up his bed and what was under there 6 toys! I didn't know what to make of it. Xander is a smart dog surely the toy sliding under his bed wouldn't have stumped him? So I pulled some of the toys out and left him with 1. That night when I put him in his crate he lost his effing mind! He was pacing around like crazy, whining and just wigging out. So I open the crate thinking he may need to go outside one more time...nope he just sits in the crate looks at me and looks back at his bed and nudges. I pull the bed to make sure he didn't bring in something. When the bed reveals the empty crate he for real starts to pace. I think it is silly but I go into his puppy drawer and pull out the toys, Xan is happy again. He jumps out and we play a little and one by one he takes the toys back into crate.
The next morning I notice that the toys are once again under his bed and create such a bump that Xan sleeps tightly curled up on just one side of his bed.

A few days ago I noticed that he had torn apart one of his favorite toys in the back yard. I found a few stray pieces of it in the back yard and threw them into a shallow garbage can in our backyard. I noticed that the tail end was still almost whole and on his outside bed I left it there thinking he would finish destroying in his own time. Well again I found myself cleaning off his outside bed after a Xan muddied it up after some rain. I move the bed and what do I find all of the pieces of the torn up toy including the the head of the toy which I had thrown in the trash earlier.

What does this mean? What have I done to him to make him like this? I can't help but feel like I have failed him in some way. I wonder if there are any good local pet therapists.

Don't tell me I can't have what I didn't think I wanted...but wasn't really sure

There was a time a long time ago when I was the most faithful blogger. The UpSaid days. I never hesitated to share the latest work dilemma or roll in the hay. Then I stopped and now I have become a vague life stories that end with a lesson learned but skimped on the details kind of girl. I didn't hesitate to share (in great detail) the beauty that was Jonathan playing his trumpet in the nude or the heartbreak of learning Ross had died just when I realized that I was falling in love. Now you would be lucky if I mention Boy J or Boy R or include a throw away sentence about jelly legs. So what is the point of remembering the good ole' days of Sharing Crystal...I feel like I need to share.

I'm blogging from a hospital lobby. I was just discharged. I had to have surgery to remove an ectopic pregnancy. It was unexpected. I didn't know what I was going to do, well I was like 90% sure of what I would do but then the choice was gone. So then I had a minor surgery (made slightly major by my heart thing) to look forward to. Not sure if I have it in me to go through all of the emotional stuff right now. Maybe another time.

But Who Am I?

I was a wild child, really wild. I did stupid things. However I was really skilled at concealing my bad behavior and with time became even better at talking myself out of confrontations about my bad decisions. As a teenager I tagged along with my brothers on all of their adventures because my mother thought they would make better choices if they were looking after me. She was wrong. So I drank, partied, stayed out most night but I was never really called on my shit because even at my most intoxicated I still had a stronger presence of mind than my brothers when they were sober. I don't know why. Just lucky I guess. So it carried over into my early college years. I was pretty reckless but somehow still managed to make it to 8am History, so again there were no consequences. I look back at those days and know that one day I could have died and everyone in my life would have been completely shocked and would probably be dumbfounded to learn how deep my problems ran.

As I got older, the more reckless behavior was abandoned but that didn't mean I was suddenly on a good path. I was always surprised at how complacent my friends were. Sure there is always that point in your life when you question the expected path of school, job, marriage, etc. but I was down right hostile towards it. I didn't want my life to be something that happened to me. The problem was that I was so busy not doing "what was expected" (because that would be me giving in) that I collected a few degrees, worked on tons of projects, had plenty of boyfriends and had nothing to show for it all. I had degrees (3 actually) but I never chose a specialty, I never focused on one thing in the hopes of becoming employable some day. I worked on other peoples projects. I helped them in any way I could, never made any money off of them and ultimately I was rewarded with a credit on a short that no one was going to see because the friend I was helping was only motivated in between coke binges. And the boys well I went through a string without once ever uttering the words "happy anniversary" "I want you to meet my mom" or "I love you." Everything about my life was chosen to not disrupt the life I told people I had. On the outside I just seemed like a busy girl who may seem a little scattered but that's just because I was working on something big and one day it would all make sense. I had a job that paid me way too much for doing way too little and my friends could probably more accurately be classified as bar acquaintances.

I was jolted out of that life by some unexpected events (isn't that always how it goes) and I thought to myself that there must be something to the life I had always rebelled against. So I got a job that had insurance and a retirement plan and I started dating a friend who was actually a good guy and by the 1 month mark was making plans for us to spend the weekend with his family. The relationship ended pretty quickly, it was too much too fast. I felt horrible that I had dragged a friend into that experiment especially since I knew better. For goodness sake he was actually still holding out hope that I would get past that "being an atheist thing." Eventually I settled on the idea of having my lady bits tended to but not really getting more involved. Those problems would take a back seat to other aspects of my life. That didn't last long though because I happened to find someone just as (if not more) damaged than I was. Circumstances threw us together and then we were dating and what followed is still confusing. I was going to be a different type of partner. In the past I would bolt at the slightest eye roll. Of course I went to the other extreme and just let myself put up with all sorts of crap, I also told myself not to believe the worst in people so despite my bullshit meter going off every other day I told myself to trust and believe what I was told. On the job front I have quickly realized that despite the insurance and "grown-up" up status it gives me I am on the perfect path to shooting myself in the head one day.

So what to do? I'm bitching about everything aren't I? I know that this is my bed and I have made a great mess of it all by my self. This brings us back to the title question...I've tried on all these ways of being but I haven't tried just letting go and being true. The boy mentioned last was a bit of a catalyst, I decided I should be honest and even though I pussed out of really letting him know how I felt I still feel like it was a good thing. Especially if we ever hope to be friends one day, which would be great actually. The school thing is the shining light, I do know what I want out of that and I got myself on the road. The current snag is the job, I need something else. I am well aware that in this climate I should just be glad I have a job but I can't help wanting more. I guess what I am learning to do is combine my drive and passion from my younger years with the discipline and rational of the last couple years. So this me trying to be who I am, not who I think I should be. Which is great because life has just given me another curve ball. I don't know how it is going to handled but I hope I can do it in the most honest way I can.

Hey is it August already!?

Too busy to blog, blah, blah, blah...excuses.

There has been more than enough to discuss however I have had trouble letting go of them. Basically I indulged my masochistic side and let all the bad wash over me. It wasn't pretty and I pretty much drank half of our bar. The highlights are pretty standard...heavy family drama, school decisions, work boredom, and a dash of boy problems. Lets move on though, I don't want to focus on things that are happening to me. I would rather focus on how I am dealing with life.

First is the decision to not be bound by school anymore. Next May I am moving the smart money is on NYC (for some more book learning) however I have decided that I have made up my mind on that. I learned through a contact of mine that an assistant professor job will be available next year at a school in Seattle so it has jumped up the list. Though to be honest my itch to leave Denton behind has reached such a critical mass that I am keeping all avenues open. The main obstacle being money. Now if I were to get a job before I moved somewhere that would be awesome but in anticipation that it might not work out that way I have decided to cut back...A LOT! Seriously I spend way to much on stupid shit, I go out way more than I should. Its all stuff that makes sense though I'm not turning into a hermit who lives off of ramen for the rest of her life. For instance books, sometimes I'll just go out to the B&N and buy 2 or 3 books...why!?! Chances are I could find the books online for way cheaper or I could even use my freakin library card. Again yes I know these are all things that make sense I've just allowed my self to spend out of boredom and laziness.

I'm also trying to be a much better food shopper. This really ties into the next change which is that I have started working out again. Part of the saving money program requires that I don't eat more than one meal out a week (although last week I didn't eat out once...awesome). So if i'm eating at home it doesn't take long to get tired of frozen dinners. So i'm making a menu and I only by food needed for the menu. Also tied into this is cutting back on drinking...it hasn't worked out so well lately but I'm keeping my fingers crossed.

So barring any large world ending emergencies I hope to have a comfortable nest egg saved for my move. This has the mother freaking out because home life has been especially crazy lately and I know that she depends on me a lot.

And yes there was some weird boy stuff. There is that thing people always say "I didn't lie to you, I just didn't tell you." It is such an effing lame thing to say. I may not be the most assertive girl but I don't fucking break so easily. I won't lie to you (all 2 of you reading) I am hurt and sad and just a little bit mad but I am not destroyed.

I'll try to update the diet/money saving progress. I'll maybe even dedicate a few entries to just those things

Sad, Angry, Sad, Angry, Sad....fuck

Every time I have tried to start a new blog post I have had to stop myself. It seemed like all I wanted to do was rant. But then again what is the use of having a blog if you can't use it to rant. Feeling all around pissed at life. The boy is sucking big-time and I am dealing with it like acting like a child and just ignoring it...how old am I again? The family is going through some major heavy stuff (mostly about my sister and her decision to stop taking her anti depressants). Work is like one giant WTF? Part of me is happy that everyone is so caught up in their own crazy that they just leave me alone. Have restarted the "get the hell out of Denton" fund. When Jen and I let go of the house next June I hope to be leaving the state. I'm so tired of everything I am hoping a new city will give me the jump I need to make other positive changes.

The family stuff is especiallydepressing because of all of the secrets I keep from my family. John is an Alcoholic and it has really effed with his life, so I keep my mouth shut about my own almost weekly "get drunk off my ass" nights. Sis is dealing with her depression so I help my mom get new referrals and every book under the sun to help her out. I would never tell her that if anyone in the family was in danger of driving off a cliff it would probably be me. And as always there is the guilt from my mom, I know she tries to keep in check now but I still see it in her eyes every time I mention moving far away.

The boy situation is ridiculous, I honestly don't know what to do about it anymore. You ever have those moments when you find yourself asking "who made you this way?" that is basically me all the time. I'm so busy paying for all the other shit in his life that is upsetting him. Rather than deal though I'm just ignoring the problem for now. Lets see how that works out for me...

The shining light is the puppy, the fantastic Xander! He is a great pup with lots of energy and love to give. Will post pics soon.

Hope things turn around, I mean they have to right?

Hermana

I will be heading to my hometown Thursday. I not only get to watch my nephew graduate, they will let me hand him his diploma since I am giving the commencement speech at the ceremony. All this is very exciting but more importantly I get to see my sister.

I am still amazed at how far away from each we were growing up. She left when I was very young to marry a very bad man and stayed away for years. When she did come back she was broken and we did our best to get her back but it took a long time. The next ten years or so were spent cleaning up after her, making excuses, and never telling her how I really felt.

I am used to being Tim and John's little sister. It never occurred to me to look up to my sister or lean on her for support because she wasn't there. This isn't to say that I didn't love my sister very much, I did, I do. At the time though it was a protective kind of love. It was a one-sided relationship and I learned to live with it. It wasn't until our mother's back surgery that I was really able to know my sister. What was blatantly apparent is that me and my sister are nothing alike. She is a very sweet person, painfully shy and pretty repressed. Forming a sisterly bond as adults was more difficult than I thought it would be. We both realized that we wouldn't make very good friends but we both gave it a go anyway.

My sister and I were not really friends, we didn't keep secrets and I didn't go to her for advice on men folk but we did love each other. But our bond has gotten stronger as we went through some pretty scary family crises.

When I think of home I can smell the kitchen when my mother made tortillas and how she would always make a special "baby" tortilla just for me. I remember running around the lot behind our house with my brothers and climbing trees. My childhood rushes back to me as soon as I see the Dilley water tower off of 35. But now I also think of me and my sister caring for our mother and I think of her and I opening up for the first time about our first loves, I think of our relationship and how it has grown.

I no longer miss what we didn't have growing up, I am excited about what we have now.

Welcome Back

mood altering prescription medication, I thought we were done but unfortunately life really fucking sucks.

Sin Emocion

I was supposed to go down to Piedras Negras this weekend to see my father. I didn't. Because of my Madrina's funeral my mother wouldn't be going down and neither would the rest of my family. So I stayed in Denton. Watched a few friends graduate, drank a lot of Vodka and hooked up with this cute girl who I met a few weeks ago at the mpac. All in all I would say it was a good way to clear my mind which has become cloudy.

I had to go to the 2nd year's screenings. Wasn't feeling great so I made sure to see and be seen by the right people and duck out as soon as the films were over. R joined and we hung out for a bit after and had some pretty splendid sex. But then sex has never been our problem, its everything else.

Said goodbye to Amanda on Friday and made plans to reunite in NYC next January. Hung out with Lee Saturday night and hooked up with the cute girl. Sunday was spent doing housework. It all happened, I know it did but I still feel so detached from it all. I hope something changes, something slaps me across the face and gets me to feel again because this isn't how I want to be.

the guilty ones

The theme of the week is definitely loss. The death of my Madrina, my overall funk at the realization that my father has been dead for 10yrs and I still tear up every time I think of him, and the latest blow, Vin.

As he lays next to me sound asleep, I know that it will be the last time. With the hopes of salvaging some sort of friendship Vin came over for a dinner/movie combo. We never saw the movie and only ate a few bites before our entire life together was being brought up. Its true that this is not a typical relationship, we both knew that at some point if we were not together romantically we would probably end it all. There is just too much romantic history for us to get to a healthy friendship. He was my everything for a large part of my life. The night we first slept with each other I remember him holding me and I knew that there was not another place in the entire universe that I would rather be. I felt it again tonight. Unfortunately we don't work and it was decided that we should stop inserting ourselves into each others life in the hopes of forcing a friendship. I don't know how this is going to work I've known him my entire life, he was my first everything. Even during the most strained times in our relationship we would always drop everything for each other. We can't keep doing that, it has held us both back.

I wish I didn't have all the issues I have. I wish that we could start over. I wish that I didn't know that when he leaves my house I won't be able to breathe but I won't stop him.

I know how unfair I was pursing relationships with other men knowing that I always had one foot out the door. I realized that the pain and darkness in Vin reinforced my own. So when I was with him I felt normal, we didn't realize how blind we were to each others pain. I have no excuses now.

So he is sleeping and I am lamenting our ending. This morning he will get up and we will be over but right now I am going to snuggle back into the crook of his arm and wish it could have worked.

Tueday is feeling alone

My Madrina died yesterday. She was also my mother's cousin and her mother (my great-aunt) was my surrogate grandmother (my grandmother passed away when I was very young). She had been a little sick for a long time and then really sick for a few weeks. Still it's hard. Mami (which is what everyone called her, even my mom) and I didn't always get along, she took her godmother role very serious. Obviously the fact that I not only left the catholic church but all religion hurt her but despite it all I know she loved me. As a girl who still deals with her biological father abandoning her and her older sister also leaving her at a young age, I almost felt like a collector of family members. I felt I had lost so much at an early age I created this network of family and friends that I held so tight to and constantly checked up on. It takes a special kind of messed up to be worried about dying alone at 12yrs old but that was me. Mami never left me even when I rejected everything she believed in and for that I will always be grateful.

While my beliefs have not changed I have to admit that for her I hope I'm wrong, for her I wish god (any god) swooped her up and took her to that palace in the sky where the faithful get to spend the rest of eternity in bliss.

Friday feels like Monday

I had a blast last night at the Drag Race show at the Rainbow Lounge but I am paying for it today. Running late all morning and was then greeted by a clusterfuck of issues at work, completly forgot about the staff picnic thing today which any other day may have sounded fantastic but today I just want to close my office door and get through the day. The day will hopefully take a turn for the better tonight. Have some roomie hang out time planned (which we haven't done in a long time). Jen and I are going to see see Babies tonight at the Angelika and will probably grab dinner down in Dallas as well. We both really need some girl time. I have always been a guys girl and for the most part don't care that the majority of my friends are male but occasionally I just need some girl time and this is long overdue. Jen has been dealing with some heavy stuff and I have been all over the place with school, work and boy. A night out sounds fantastic and I have wanted to see Babies since I first heard about it.

This is also the time of year that I crawl into a black hole and don't emerge for a few weeks. Next Friday will be the ten year anniversary of my fathers death. I am already dealing with spontaneous crying fits and all around gloominess. Hope I can just get through it.

a no-hump hump day and lots of margaritas

It has been a rough week. Work is kicking my ass and I'm learning that when things die down on the academic side the admin side gets crazy busy, fun times for me. Sound stuff has become very intense. The screening is this Saturday and unfortunately due to the film production's various setbacks we are pretty sure that not one film shown will be a finished product. Still I'm excited to see what these guys have done so far. I will be glad when the stress of those deadlines is over. Saturday can't get here soon enough.

On the personal front things have been just as intense, Vin came over for dinner and it was...awkward. I guess the main issue is that he finally confessed that he had begun seeing someone. For those without the background; we have known each other our whole lives, dated for a really long time, i broke up with him, got back together years later, he broke up with me, had a fling a few months later, and I broke things off for the last time. Well of course with that kind of history it makes sense that a little tiny part of me always thought the cycle would begin again. The last few months things were really good. I was dealing with issues with the last guy I was seeing and I was really able to talk to Vin about it. Then his mother was diagnosed with breast cancer. We were all stunned and are still struggling with this news. She is undergoing a double mastectomy in two weeks and Vin asked me to be there with him while the family waited for the surgery. I agreed. Then things started to shift. Hanging out became much more intimate. Instead of catching an afternoon movie it was dinner and a movie followed by long talks in coffee shops. A week ago I had to tell him that I still had feelings with the recent boy. As a friend he was upset, especially since he had been privy to many tearful conversations about the relationship. But there was something else. He was hurt. As I tried to distance myself from both of the guys I began to feel as though we could get past it and continue our friendship but then he tells me he is seeing someone new last night. That alone didn't upset me it was the way he framed the news. He basically told me I wasn't the only one who had other prospects. We ended up eating dinner mostly in silence.

I honestly don't know what he wanted, maybe he wanted me to be mad or jealous or tell him that I was still in love with him. I didn't do those things because I am not mad or jealous and I don't love him anymore at least not in the way he wants me to.

Turned the Corner

Yay! Dead week finally. Of course this doesn't really mean much in the RTVF department. Things don't slow down around here just because of the end of the semester. In fact this term has been weirder than normal and many of my projects will not be done until maybe June. You never know what you are going to get with film crews.

There are major developments on the job front but I have to keep them under my hat for now. I am excited about the new blood in our suite though. Work is fun again.

Spent the weekend redecorating the bedroom/office. The result of weird emotional stuff. I figured this time I wouldn't cut half my hair off and just make some minor changes at home. I have had a bit of a break through. Unfortunately it took a really asshat move from the former friend to bring it about. Despite the shitty behavior I have to say that I am not really mad, I don't like being mad, I'm just glad that I was able to see that I was holding on to something that didn't really deserve my loyalty. There is still some sadness but I think that it is finally starting to fade as well. "Onward and upward" someone once said. I'm trying.

sick of home and homesick

I'm feeling homesick. It has been a few months since I have been home and recent events at home have made be wish I could get down there more often. My brother recently broke his foot, my other was really sick and now my nephew is graduating from High School. I will always maintain that I don't like Dilley, but I don't go home to visit my old stomping ground, I go because of my family so I just worked out an extended visit next month, hopefully some mommy time gets me back on the right track.

I do miss the family but I won't lie and say a trip home is also a mini runaway trip. I'm just not feeling like myself. I lost my groove somewhere. I need to mend a little and there is no better place to do that than home.

Take 3

I'm certain absence has only made the heart grow fonder.