Hermana

I will be heading to my hometown Thursday. I not only get to watch my nephew graduate, they will let me hand him his diploma since I am giving the commencement speech at the ceremony. All this is very exciting but more importantly I get to see my sister.

I am still amazed at how far away from each we were growing up. She left when I was very young to marry a very bad man and stayed away for years. When she did come back she was broken and we did our best to get her back but it took a long time. The next ten years or so were spent cleaning up after her, making excuses, and never telling her how I really felt.

I am used to being Tim and John's little sister. It never occurred to me to look up to my sister or lean on her for support because she wasn't there. This isn't to say that I didn't love my sister very much, I did, I do. At the time though it was a protective kind of love. It was a one-sided relationship and I learned to live with it. It wasn't until our mother's back surgery that I was really able to know my sister. What was blatantly apparent is that me and my sister are nothing alike. She is a very sweet person, painfully shy and pretty repressed. Forming a sisterly bond as adults was more difficult than I thought it would be. We both realized that we wouldn't make very good friends but we both gave it a go anyway.

My sister and I were not really friends, we didn't keep secrets and I didn't go to her for advice on men folk but we did love each other. But our bond has gotten stronger as we went through some pretty scary family crises.

When I think of home I can smell the kitchen when my mother made tortillas and how she would always make a special "baby" tortilla just for me. I remember running around the lot behind our house with my brothers and climbing trees. My childhood rushes back to me as soon as I see the Dilley water tower off of 35. But now I also think of me and my sister caring for our mother and I think of her and I opening up for the first time about our first loves, I think of our relationship and how it has grown.

I no longer miss what we didn't have growing up, I am excited about what we have now.

Welcome Back

mood altering prescription medication, I thought we were done but unfortunately life really fucking sucks.

Sin Emocion

I was supposed to go down to Piedras Negras this weekend to see my father. I didn't. Because of my Madrina's funeral my mother wouldn't be going down and neither would the rest of my family. So I stayed in Denton. Watched a few friends graduate, drank a lot of Vodka and hooked up with this cute girl who I met a few weeks ago at the mpac. All in all I would say it was a good way to clear my mind which has become cloudy.

I had to go to the 2nd year's screenings. Wasn't feeling great so I made sure to see and be seen by the right people and duck out as soon as the films were over. R joined and we hung out for a bit after and had some pretty splendid sex. But then sex has never been our problem, its everything else.

Said goodbye to Amanda on Friday and made plans to reunite in NYC next January. Hung out with Lee Saturday night and hooked up with the cute girl. Sunday was spent doing housework. It all happened, I know it did but I still feel so detached from it all. I hope something changes, something slaps me across the face and gets me to feel again because this isn't how I want to be.

the guilty ones

The theme of the week is definitely loss. The death of my Madrina, my overall funk at the realization that my father has been dead for 10yrs and I still tear up every time I think of him, and the latest blow, Vin.

As he lays next to me sound asleep, I know that it will be the last time. With the hopes of salvaging some sort of friendship Vin came over for a dinner/movie combo. We never saw the movie and only ate a few bites before our entire life together was being brought up. Its true that this is not a typical relationship, we both knew that at some point if we were not together romantically we would probably end it all. There is just too much romantic history for us to get to a healthy friendship. He was my everything for a large part of my life. The night we first slept with each other I remember him holding me and I knew that there was not another place in the entire universe that I would rather be. I felt it again tonight. Unfortunately we don't work and it was decided that we should stop inserting ourselves into each others life in the hopes of forcing a friendship. I don't know how this is going to work I've known him my entire life, he was my first everything. Even during the most strained times in our relationship we would always drop everything for each other. We can't keep doing that, it has held us both back.

I wish I didn't have all the issues I have. I wish that we could start over. I wish that I didn't know that when he leaves my house I won't be able to breathe but I won't stop him.

I know how unfair I was pursing relationships with other men knowing that I always had one foot out the door. I realized that the pain and darkness in Vin reinforced my own. So when I was with him I felt normal, we didn't realize how blind we were to each others pain. I have no excuses now.

So he is sleeping and I am lamenting our ending. This morning he will get up and we will be over but right now I am going to snuggle back into the crook of his arm and wish it could have worked.

Tueday is feeling alone

My Madrina died yesterday. She was also my mother's cousin and her mother (my great-aunt) was my surrogate grandmother (my grandmother passed away when I was very young). She had been a little sick for a long time and then really sick for a few weeks. Still it's hard. Mami (which is what everyone called her, even my mom) and I didn't always get along, she took her godmother role very serious. Obviously the fact that I not only left the catholic church but all religion hurt her but despite it all I know she loved me. As a girl who still deals with her biological father abandoning her and her older sister also leaving her at a young age, I almost felt like a collector of family members. I felt I had lost so much at an early age I created this network of family and friends that I held so tight to and constantly checked up on. It takes a special kind of messed up to be worried about dying alone at 12yrs old but that was me. Mami never left me even when I rejected everything she believed in and for that I will always be grateful.

While my beliefs have not changed I have to admit that for her I hope I'm wrong, for her I wish god (any god) swooped her up and took her to that palace in the sky where the faithful get to spend the rest of eternity in bliss.

Friday feels like Monday

I had a blast last night at the Drag Race show at the Rainbow Lounge but I am paying for it today. Running late all morning and was then greeted by a clusterfuck of issues at work, completly forgot about the staff picnic thing today which any other day may have sounded fantastic but today I just want to close my office door and get through the day. The day will hopefully take a turn for the better tonight. Have some roomie hang out time planned (which we haven't done in a long time). Jen and I are going to see see Babies tonight at the Angelika and will probably grab dinner down in Dallas as well. We both really need some girl time. I have always been a guys girl and for the most part don't care that the majority of my friends are male but occasionally I just need some girl time and this is long overdue. Jen has been dealing with some heavy stuff and I have been all over the place with school, work and boy. A night out sounds fantastic and I have wanted to see Babies since I first heard about it.

This is also the time of year that I crawl into a black hole and don't emerge for a few weeks. Next Friday will be the ten year anniversary of my fathers death. I am already dealing with spontaneous crying fits and all around gloominess. Hope I can just get through it.

a no-hump hump day and lots of margaritas

It has been a rough week. Work is kicking my ass and I'm learning that when things die down on the academic side the admin side gets crazy busy, fun times for me. Sound stuff has become very intense. The screening is this Saturday and unfortunately due to the film production's various setbacks we are pretty sure that not one film shown will be a finished product. Still I'm excited to see what these guys have done so far. I will be glad when the stress of those deadlines is over. Saturday can't get here soon enough.

On the personal front things have been just as intense, Vin came over for dinner and it was...awkward. I guess the main issue is that he finally confessed that he had begun seeing someone. For those without the background; we have known each other our whole lives, dated for a really long time, i broke up with him, got back together years later, he broke up with me, had a fling a few months later, and I broke things off for the last time. Well of course with that kind of history it makes sense that a little tiny part of me always thought the cycle would begin again. The last few months things were really good. I was dealing with issues with the last guy I was seeing and I was really able to talk to Vin about it. Then his mother was diagnosed with breast cancer. We were all stunned and are still struggling with this news. She is undergoing a double mastectomy in two weeks and Vin asked me to be there with him while the family waited for the surgery. I agreed. Then things started to shift. Hanging out became much more intimate. Instead of catching an afternoon movie it was dinner and a movie followed by long talks in coffee shops. A week ago I had to tell him that I still had feelings with the recent boy. As a friend he was upset, especially since he had been privy to many tearful conversations about the relationship. But there was something else. He was hurt. As I tried to distance myself from both of the guys I began to feel as though we could get past it and continue our friendship but then he tells me he is seeing someone new last night. That alone didn't upset me it was the way he framed the news. He basically told me I wasn't the only one who had other prospects. We ended up eating dinner mostly in silence.

I honestly don't know what he wanted, maybe he wanted me to be mad or jealous or tell him that I was still in love with him. I didn't do those things because I am not mad or jealous and I don't love him anymore at least not in the way he wants me to.

Turned the Corner

Yay! Dead week finally. Of course this doesn't really mean much in the RTVF department. Things don't slow down around here just because of the end of the semester. In fact this term has been weirder than normal and many of my projects will not be done until maybe June. You never know what you are going to get with film crews.

There are major developments on the job front but I have to keep them under my hat for now. I am excited about the new blood in our suite though. Work is fun again.

Spent the weekend redecorating the bedroom/office. The result of weird emotional stuff. I figured this time I wouldn't cut half my hair off and just make some minor changes at home. I have had a bit of a break through. Unfortunately it took a really asshat move from the former friend to bring it about. Despite the shitty behavior I have to say that I am not really mad, I don't like being mad, I'm just glad that I was able to see that I was holding on to something that didn't really deserve my loyalty. There is still some sadness but I think that it is finally starting to fade as well. "Onward and upward" someone once said. I'm trying.