the guilty ones

The theme of the week is definitely loss. The death of my Madrina, my overall funk at the realization that my father has been dead for 10yrs and I still tear up every time I think of him, and the latest blow, Vin.

As he lays next to me sound asleep, I know that it will be the last time. With the hopes of salvaging some sort of friendship Vin came over for a dinner/movie combo. We never saw the movie and only ate a few bites before our entire life together was being brought up. Its true that this is not a typical relationship, we both knew that at some point if we were not together romantically we would probably end it all. There is just too much romantic history for us to get to a healthy friendship. He was my everything for a large part of my life. The night we first slept with each other I remember him holding me and I knew that there was not another place in the entire universe that I would rather be. I felt it again tonight. Unfortunately we don't work and it was decided that we should stop inserting ourselves into each others life in the hopes of forcing a friendship. I don't know how this is going to work I've known him my entire life, he was my first everything. Even during the most strained times in our relationship we would always drop everything for each other. We can't keep doing that, it has held us both back.

I wish I didn't have all the issues I have. I wish that we could start over. I wish that I didn't know that when he leaves my house I won't be able to breathe but I won't stop him.

I know how unfair I was pursing relationships with other men knowing that I always had one foot out the door. I realized that the pain and darkness in Vin reinforced my own. So when I was with him I felt normal, we didn't realize how blind we were to each others pain. I have no excuses now.

So he is sleeping and I am lamenting our ending. This morning he will get up and we will be over but right now I am going to snuggle back into the crook of his arm and wish it could have worked.