But Who Am I?

I was a wild child, really wild. I did stupid things. However I was really skilled at concealing my bad behavior and with time became even better at talking myself out of confrontations about my bad decisions. As a teenager I tagged along with my brothers on all of their adventures because my mother thought they would make better choices if they were looking after me. She was wrong. So I drank, partied, stayed out most night but I was never really called on my shit because even at my most intoxicated I still had a stronger presence of mind than my brothers when they were sober. I don't know why. Just lucky I guess. So it carried over into my early college years. I was pretty reckless but somehow still managed to make it to 8am History, so again there were no consequences. I look back at those days and know that one day I could have died and everyone in my life would have been completely shocked and would probably be dumbfounded to learn how deep my problems ran.

As I got older, the more reckless behavior was abandoned but that didn't mean I was suddenly on a good path. I was always surprised at how complacent my friends were. Sure there is always that point in your life when you question the expected path of school, job, marriage, etc. but I was down right hostile towards it. I didn't want my life to be something that happened to me. The problem was that I was so busy not doing "what was expected" (because that would be me giving in) that I collected a few degrees, worked on tons of projects, had plenty of boyfriends and had nothing to show for it all. I had degrees (3 actually) but I never chose a specialty, I never focused on one thing in the hopes of becoming employable some day. I worked on other peoples projects. I helped them in any way I could, never made any money off of them and ultimately I was rewarded with a credit on a short that no one was going to see because the friend I was helping was only motivated in between coke binges. And the boys well I went through a string without once ever uttering the words "happy anniversary" "I want you to meet my mom" or "I love you." Everything about my life was chosen to not disrupt the life I told people I had. On the outside I just seemed like a busy girl who may seem a little scattered but that's just because I was working on something big and one day it would all make sense. I had a job that paid me way too much for doing way too little and my friends could probably more accurately be classified as bar acquaintances.

I was jolted out of that life by some unexpected events (isn't that always how it goes) and I thought to myself that there must be something to the life I had always rebelled against. So I got a job that had insurance and a retirement plan and I started dating a friend who was actually a good guy and by the 1 month mark was making plans for us to spend the weekend with his family. The relationship ended pretty quickly, it was too much too fast. I felt horrible that I had dragged a friend into that experiment especially since I knew better. For goodness sake he was actually still holding out hope that I would get past that "being an atheist thing." Eventually I settled on the idea of having my lady bits tended to but not really getting more involved. Those problems would take a back seat to other aspects of my life. That didn't last long though because I happened to find someone just as (if not more) damaged than I was. Circumstances threw us together and then we were dating and what followed is still confusing. I was going to be a different type of partner. In the past I would bolt at the slightest eye roll. Of course I went to the other extreme and just let myself put up with all sorts of crap, I also told myself not to believe the worst in people so despite my bullshit meter going off every other day I told myself to trust and believe what I was told. On the job front I have quickly realized that despite the insurance and "grown-up" up status it gives me I am on the perfect path to shooting myself in the head one day.

So what to do? I'm bitching about everything aren't I? I know that this is my bed and I have made a great mess of it all by my self. This brings us back to the title question...I've tried on all these ways of being but I haven't tried just letting go and being true. The boy mentioned last was a bit of a catalyst, I decided I should be honest and even though I pussed out of really letting him know how I felt I still feel like it was a good thing. Especially if we ever hope to be friends one day, which would be great actually. The school thing is the shining light, I do know what I want out of that and I got myself on the road. The current snag is the job, I need something else. I am well aware that in this climate I should just be glad I have a job but I can't help wanting more. I guess what I am learning to do is combine my drive and passion from my younger years with the discipline and rational of the last couple years. So this me trying to be who I am, not who I think I should be. Which is great because life has just given me another curve ball. I don't know how it is going to handled but I hope I can do it in the most honest way I can.