And the Universe Keeps Giving

I apologize in advance for the numerous grammatical mistakes that are sure to occur in this post as I am currently under the influence of some mild painkillers and tequila, also people are dancing all around me. Really, i'm not seeing imaginary people I just felt the need to blog while I had people over. Yay!

So I am not in my hometown right now. So did I make other grown-up type plans this holiday season? Nope! I just almost died. Really. On Christmas Eve I was on the road for about an hour when some asshole attempts to pass us on the left going well above the speed limit while it was pouring rain. Because the idiot didn't wait to clear my van before charging into my lane we ended up slamming into a concrete barrier. Yay me!

But seriously folk, what the fuck indeed!?! Have a knot on the head and some bruising but aside from that I'm okay. The van wasn't so lucky. Had a few blown out tires. Because I was relatively close to home and because everyone I know I was already gone for the holidays I decided to just eat the cost of being towed all the way back. I got back from getting checked out at the hospital and I was stuck. Let me tell you, this town dies at 3pm on Christmas Eve. So I've been stuck here. This is the first Xmas not spent with the family and let me tell you it was rough. I spent the 24th crying on the phone to my family.

But then rays of sunshine started to make its way through. Si gave up sleep to skype with me for half the night. My mechanic neighbor has been helping me get the van in working order (on Christmas even!) And tonight some other stranded friends have come over and we are watching all sorts of fun movies and trying to keep our spirits up.

So thems the facts. A little insightful information. I really miss my family, even when they are driving me crazy home is home. I want so badly to be able to fall in love with Si, but I don't think I will. My dog will probably never like car rides again. And I have some truly awesome people in my life. Really.

Too much

I believe it's in his eyes, he isn't the mystery he fancies himself to be. He thinks that he can keep everyone guessing. I laugh to myself as he prattles on. I want to keep him but I know too much. I'm familiar with his wandering eye. I've made friends with his insecurities. He will probably cling to this persona for the rest of his life. If he only knew that he is already accepted. He can let his guard down and trust that the things he hates in himself will not turn us away.

But he won't.

Simon

Once again I found myself wrestling with the decision to blog or not. The last few weeks have been particularly brutal. Some health news and the decision to go off the anti-depressants led me down a dark path. But that isn't what this post is about, this post is about Si.

I met Si a few years ago in NYC, I was in the last few days of an internship and he was in the city for a month before his Trek America adventure started. He was on his American leg of a trip around the world. I was staying at a student hostel in one of those 4bed rooms. He came in on my second day in the city. That first week we hung out a lot at the hostel, I was in the last week of my internship and he spent most of his days doing the touristy stuff. After my internship was over I extended my stay in the city for two weeks. On day 10 Si and I kissed for the first time and didn't stop until two weeks later when I had to leave.

It is hard to explain what it is about Si but I will try, forgive the ramblings but this is the first time I have ever really tried to put him into words outside of my private journal. What makes Si magic is the fact that I am completely at ease with him. I have rarely met another person that I felt so at home with. I can count the people that make me feel that way on one hand. I have never had a moment of doubt of his intentions or feelings. He is is funny, witty, rarely sarcastic and never mean. He has found a way to be transparent about his feelings without coming off as needy or whiny. I never have issues of insecurity or paranoia when I am with him. He has no ulterior motives he just likes being with me. Even with people I consider friends I often feel like I am not quite enough. "Am I really as smart as they think I am" "Will he not like me if I am not as talented as he is" "What if I'm not funny enough, will she stop hanging out with me" these things run through my mind constantly, I'm so afraid that I am always lacking. I never feel that way with Si.

I don't know what to call it. I care for him sure, but I don't pine. We hadn't seen each other for almost 2 years and my heart wasn't breaking. We have these epic 2,3,4 hour long conversations every few months but we don't call or text or even IM on a daily basis. But when we are together, I am reminded that I can be happy. I don't need to start a countdown everytime I start a new relationship anticipating when green pastures are sought by my significant other. I don't need to feel unworthy of someone because of my size, race, or the fact that I have spent the last decade getting degrees and not seeking a fortune. I know to Si I am just Crystal. I trust him. And he trusts me.

And when we are together I feel completely present. I don't worry about what he will think when he sees me naked or my skills as a lover. I don't hesitate to share with him my desires. When he holds me his eyes never leave mine. He calls me "my sweet Crystal" and my knees weaken, pulse quickens and in those moments I want him more than I have ever wanted anyone else.

But he is in Kent and I am here and truthfully we don't know much about each other in the "real world" the days with him blur together and I lose myself. Then he leaves or I leave but what I am left with is a reminder that I can be happy, I can find joy in life. Sure I often revel in my cynicism and sometimes I let the dark take over. But I have also seen the light. Its the same way I feel after seeing my Wela. There are people in this world that love me and I need to trust that they are not the only ones.

Because of Si I know what love is.